Rejection

I've been thinking a lot about my future recently, since I've been going to a community college it is finally my time to ( almost) transfer. I'll apply this fall to gain admittance to the incoming transfer classes of Fall 2011. I'm nervous since its that moment of truth, whether or not I'm getting Accepted to the schools i want to go too. I mean by the title of this blog can already show you how nervous I am, i wrote "rejection" rather then "acceptance". I remember this same feeling i had during my senior year in high school, I was confident but not overly confident I would get into the schools I wanted but I mean i didnt get accepted into all 4 schools just 2 of them. I was glad that those 2 schools wanted me, but i was saddened by the other two. I just became more self conscious of my intelligence, whether or not I was intelligent for anybody. I hated that feeling, 2nd guessing myself. I mean if they didnt want me obviously their lose right? But I couldnt help brush off the feeling of not being "enough" for them. Considering I recently changed my major, again, to a less rigorous and less competitive major I hope that I get accepted into the colleges of my choice.

A lot has been going for me in life lately, hence the longer time periods of posts. I miss my boyfriend so much, but i feel like my heart is breaking. I dont know, is it wrong to miss him? is it wrong to want to see him in person rather then thru a computer screen? I mean yeah its been 2 years now but i mean im pretty sure there are always going to be times when it gets harder being in a long distance relationship. Is it wrong to be selfish? I feel like i have the right to be selfish, its not fair that other couples are able to see each other whenever they want & i hardly get to see mine. It sucks. Its not fun whatsoever, i wish it were easier but its not. I thought i would be able to deal with it but right now it feels so hard. I feel so angry and upset, but not about him but about me. Every weekend i find myself being at home just saying to myself, " hes going to call you any minute telling you to open the door bc he surprised you by coming back today" And friday turns into saturday and that turns into sunday and its back to the beginning of the week where it will turn back into another weekend of high hopes he'll come back. Whats wrong with me? Like seriously, youre probably reading this thinking im some pathetic loser who has nothing to do with their life.

I dont know who to turn, my friends have relationships on their own, their own boyfriends or girlfriends they get to spend time with, any time and all the time. I dont want to tag along and be a 3rd wheel or any wheel for that matter. Its just hard to deal with sometimes. Yes i know, "No one said it was going to be easy" Well no one said it was go to be hard either. I dont know what to think anymore. I feel like just running away from my problems, let it solve themselves. But i know that wont happen, so i guess until things get better i'll just have to tough it out...

Heartbreaker

I would say the last couples of week for me have been difficult,
on one hand i was still dealing with the death of my grandpa
& school and all the work etc etc
&& boyfriend who has been so mia lately

Anyways i dont know im just confused and really stressed out atm, but i HOPE that things will become easier even though i have a feeling it wont, i guess it's one of those things, woman's intuition perhaps. I dont know i just cant shake off this feeling something is going on and i hate how it feels & i cant find the word to express them.

Its like.. i dont even know what to do, and i feel like i cant talk to anyone about it b/c i tend to overthink things and this might be one of them. I dont know if what im feeling is... legit? i guess My thoughts and feelings are all over the place, im not the type of person to jump on things, i take my time analyzing and thinking what i should do next. Ironic somewhat since I go on things i feel yet my steps after that are determined by my brain.

Well anyways, today is Mother's Day !! My mom went to the temple to pray so i cant even give her present until later when she gets home. I loveee my mom though, I remember when i was a kid, i missed my mom all the time bc i never got to see her except for weekends. She would work everyday from 2PM-12AM so when she was home i was at school so i rarely saw her. I would wait up for my mom on friday night to see her. One day i remember i was home early from school so i was able to see her and when she had to drop us off at my grandparents so she could go to work. I started crying like really heavy breathing sobbing crying and i told her i missed her and i didnt want her to go to work. She surprised me with a small music card box and she said that it was okay and told me not to be sad and that i was a big girl and i needed to be strong.

I would need her or my dad to sing with us before we could sleep, and when i got older i would ask her to tuck me into bed because i liked having the covers tucked in and i couldnt do it myself. I know she loves me and we do too. Happy mother's day mom !